Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Grow Up Grown Up!

I hate being an adult sometimes. 

I don't want to do work, I want to play. I don't want to pay bills, I want to buy lots of awesome stuff. I don't want to go to bed on time, I want to stay up all hours blogging and skyping. I don't want to go to work everyday, I want to sleep in and read books and watch movies. I don't want to grade papers, I want to go to movies and hang out with friends. I don't want to be a good communicator, I want to live an unconfrontational life. I don't want to keep my house clean, I want to throw clothes all over because I can. I don't want to apologize for saying something I shouldn't have, I want to say whatever I want regardless of consequences.

I don't want to do right, speak wisely, love fully, stay motivated, finish well, encourage others, humble myself, apologize often, control emotions, ask forgiveness, feel empathy, work hard, be consistent. 

I want to stomp my feet, wave my fists and yell, "NO! It's too hard."

That's where I'm at today. Wanting to throw a hissy-fit but trying to remember something about loving Jesus and letting Him shine through me so I can love others.

Because really, how scary would it be to see me flailing about the floor in a full-on grown person temper tantrum? Funny, maybe, but really frightening.  

Help me Jesus!

**Update: The hissy-fitishness has subsided and the "old self" has been sufficiently beaten down again.  For at least the next 15 minutes. Ready for the next round due any minute now...


Anonymous said...

Jen, after I wrote the above, I thought how judgmental it sounded. I really understand those feelings. I think because of your intense job and your commitment to it, sometimes you just get tired of it all and worn down. You're doing a great job! It will only take a few more days of effort and then you can rest and do many of the things you are wanting to do. When you get home (as in Loveland) you will have some time to rest, watch TV and movies, read, eat, play with dogs, talk with family, shop, nap--all good things. I don't think it is your sin nature that was talking in your blog--it was your tired body and mind. Just forget my other comment! As a matter of fact, just delete it. Love you, Mom

Jen said...

Mom, I don't think it sounded judgmental at all. It was the truth. My sin nature...that was the entire point of the blog. I don't want to be an adult physically or spiritually sometimes. It's too much work.

But I'll still delete it because you want me to.

By the way, I thought the last part was encouraging. :)

Love you.

Karen said...

me too, love you!