Bullet Points # 732

My life is a whirlwind of activity these days and has been since the first day of school. I'm keeping up my regularly busy fall schedule. I spend most days and nights out and about doing awesomely cool stuff but it drains me of most of my socialness and therefore my blog is well, moved to the bottom of the list of the millions of things I have to/get to do. So, here goes my brain dump...

• My friends and I started a new English Corner here at my apartment complex. We have a new coffee shop so it was an easy way to make new Chinese friends in a convenient location. It's been really neat. 
• I just got back from Shenyang, China. I coached JV Boys Volleyball this year (4th year coaching, 1st year coaching boys). It was a blast! Such a great group of boys. We didn't do very well in placement at the tournament, but the guys did a phenomenal job with a lot of their skills. They were actually much better and further advanced than most of the other JV teams, they just weren't as consistent. But it was a really fun weekend with all 40 students that went. Our varsity boys took 1st and our varsity girls took 2nd. Yay!
• Speaking of fun this weekend, I spent about an hour in the airport last night playing Korean group games with my students (someday I'll do a blog about Korean games because they're fascinating). Both games we played had to do with rhythm, chanting, and a few other things I'm not very good at. Hence the massive bruise on my leg where I was slapping it over and over and over. I guess I was so caught up in the concentration of the game (i.e. trying to stay on beat) that I didn't realize how hard I was hitting myself. Oh man, those kids and their games. Good stuff.
•  I leave for Seoul, Korea on Wednesday. I'm (and 2 other chaperones) taking 18 students for our first MUN conference of the year. It should be fun. It's a chance to hang with the students, eat good American food ( can you say HOT Krispy Kreme?), and maybe see a few beautiful men near the American army base. Oh, and there's a great Mexican restaurant and a used book store. Yay!
• I just dyed my hair. As in while I was writing this blog. It's a really dark red. Like celebrating-autumn-with-my-head red. (Mom, it will only convince you further that I am in fact turning Asian.)
• I have done nothing to celebrate Fall (except enjoy some pumpkin muffins, SO delish!) (oh, and now my hair). It makes me sad. Fall is my favorite time of year. Partially because it includes my birthday but mostly because it's beautiful. The leaves change, the weather gets chilly, apple in all its forms (pie, crisp, cider, etc.) and chili and pumpkin and cranberries and turkey are expected to participate in most meals, there's trick-or-treating, and Thanksgiving and football games all bundled up in blankets and sweatshirts...sigh...I just LOVE Fall.Of course, here in China, Fall mostly means the smell of coal burning and the leaves turning from green to yellow to dead quickly. But, I'll take what I can get
• It's weird that I know nothing about what's happening in America with the whole "Occupy Wall Street"/ 99% stuff. I pride myself in keeping up with my home country but I just haven't stayed on top of things lately. It seems like it's a big deal but I can't really seem to find good solid answers. Everyone's SO polarized with their opinions that nothing is unbiased enough to read. Kind of frustrating. 
• I'm in a Fantasy Football league with some of my family members. They have a family cup and everything. I stink. I seriously don't think I could be doing any worse than I actually am. So much for impressing them with my mad FF skills. I'll have to find another way. Maybe March Madness. Didn't do so badly with that last year.
• I know I have 14 bazillion more things to tell you. I've been creating a running list for weeks now. But...I can't seem to remember any of it. I'll have to post another one of these really soon. 

Must go to bed. Me and my scarlet hair. 

It's Official. I'm Old.

Blurry, but Me. With antlers.

I am officially "in my 30's". Turning 31 didn't really count because it's so close to 30 which is so close to 29. And 29, as you know is still very young. But 32...32 is WELL into the 30's. 

Sigh.

I'm old. Not in a compared-to-a-75-year-old-sort-of-way. Not even in the look-like-a-32-year-old-sort-of-way. We all know I still look like I'm 18. Arg. More in a my-brain-still-thinks-it's-23-but-wait-where-did-all-these-memories-come-from-sort-of-way.

32.

It's so close to that "is she going to be an old maid?" age. You know what I mean. When a single women reaches a certain age, people start to stumble over their words when they say things like "oh, you'll understand when you're married" or "just wait until you have kids".  It's like there's a giant vacuum in the room that just sucks out the air. "Oh crap! I just said that out loud. To HER!" As if they've just said the one thing I can't bare to have implied when we both know "IT" (marriage and children) may never happen. They're embarrassed because they're sure they've just kicked the elephant in the room. And I'm embarrassed because they're embarrassed because they think I should be embarrassed.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be married and have a bus-load of babies. In all shapes, sizes and colors. Babies, not husbands. And maybe someday it will happen. I hope it does. 

But let me set you straight. And by "you". I don't mean YOU. I mean those of "them" that think I just HAVE to be dissatisfied. Well, if that applies to you then I suppose I do mean YOU.

I'm 32. I'm single. And I'm content. Say it with me you who think that a woman can only be fulfilled when she's got a man and a gaggle of offspring strapped to her back: "32. Single. Content." Yes, ladies and gentlemen it is possible. 

Content. Joyful. Dare I say "happy"? God and I have been discussing this whole singleness issue for close to a year now. After a lot of questions and talking and even some tears, I've come to the conclusion that I trust God. It's one thing to say it. "Of course I trust God." We all say it. "Yes, I trust God. Enough to move to China, even". But I've found moving to another continent is easy-cheesy when compared to looking at FOREVER being single and realizing that that is what He WANTS for me (as far as I can see). But I've chosen to believe this is true---> He has His BEST in Mind For Me. My singleness MUST be included in that. It doesn't make sense to me sometimes. But I'm making a choice to trust Him, even if I'm single for. the. rest. of. my. life.

I REALLY mean that last paragraph...most of the time. I only renege every once in awhile...mostly around holidays or when I have something really heavy to carry up my five flights of stairs. Or need to figure out electrical things like what kind of wires to buy to hook up my laptop to my TV.

So...I had no intention to write about "singleness" in this post. It was really just going to be about getting older, about how I tend to evaluate life a little more with each passing year, about how I'm pushing myself to learn new things (like the guitar), about how I'm finally going to buy a TV for my gift this year after not having one since I moved out on my own. I was going to reflect on the things I've done and the things still left to do. Maybe even write a bucket list. I was going to discuss how at 32 I know less then I thought I did at 23, how time seems to go faster every year that goes by, how relationships seem to get harder and yet more important with each birthday. I was even considering telling you about how big changes seem to be headed this way over then next 12 months.

But I suppose all of that will have to wait until next year. Of course, who knows where I'll be in a year, physically, mentally (hopefully still sane) and geographically. Oh the surprises 12 months can bring. Exciting, isn't it?

Random Thoughts #212

 Lots of things to write about but nothing worthy of a full post...bullet points are best.

• I'm coaching my 4th year of JV volleyball this year. I played volleyball all the way through my JH and HS years and it's one of my passions. I love coaching JV  because they're malleable and it's so neat to see how much they improve. Something new and exciting is that this is my first time coaching boys. I am having a blast.
• I have recently discovered that I'm very self-centered in one area (I'm sure more than one but one in particular has been brought to my attention lately) of my life. So much so, that I didn't even know it was happening. Yes, it was that bad. Marching on towards improvement. It's just mind blowing to have something brought to your attention when you had no idea you were doing it. Arg.
• It's kind of like my hair sniffing. Apparently, I sniff my own hair. A lot. I never knew it. Someone brought it to my attention several months ago and I was horrified. I mean, really. Who wants to be known as the hair sniffer!?! How can one do something so bizarre and not know it? I wore my hair up for 2 months straight. I now no longer sniff my hair, unless I do, but then I at least notice I'm doing it. Usually. Hopefully.
• My new Model United Nations program seems to be working well. I feel like I'm still a step behind because it's all so new but I think it's going to come together with a few tweaks here and there.
• I love living alone. Love. It. I spend all day and most evenings with people and then I get to come home to a completely silent house. It's the perfect.
• I'm learning the guitar...ish. I've decided that it's really time. I'm going to do it. I've learned 4 chords which is 4 more than I've ever known before. They may not sound great and it may take me 8 minutes to transition between each chord, but dang it, I know them.
• My communication skills are being honed. I've had to have some really difficult conversations this week, several of them actually, and if nothing else, I'm learning how to effectively communicate. 
• Words of the week: intentional, pursue, community, initiate, love.
• This is a really boring list. I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to spice it up...clearly, no such luck.

A Fishbowl Life

The theme of 75% of my conversations this week have been about "community". No, not the t.v. show. Although, I do feel as if my life here, in this community, could probably be made into an interesting reality-show-slash-musical (I threw in the musical because it's my lifelong dream to be in a musical. All that singing and dancing just makes me happy. Unless we're talking about Sweeny Todd. Then it makes me really, really sad).

I (definitely) digress.

Questions a few of us have been throwing around...What is a community, in the real sense of the word? Who's included in that community? How does a loving community work? What are the boundaries? Are there boundaries? Who gets included? Who does the including? When is being exclusive okay? Is it ever okay? How do you build deep, meaningful friendships without coming across as exclusive?

In a normal setting (referring to my life back in America), I had several different friend groups. Sometimes they mingled together but mostly they were separate. Church friends, work friends, old students, current students, families, etc. As long as we made time for each other at some point, everyone was pretty much happy. No one really noted who, when, what, where, how long.

I don't live in a normal setting now. I live in a fishbowl.


I am surrounded by the same people all the time in work, play, church, and any other extra-curricular activity. And it has some major consequences, good and not-as-good. It has the potential and usual outcome of great friendships, automatic accountability, help (physical, spiritual, social) when needed, and a general sense of being-taken-care-of-and-cared-about. But, just like any house with glass walls, it leaves room for little privacy and can cause a sense of community over-awareness. When the people in your community know where you go, what you do and who you spend your time with all day, every day, life can get very complicated. Spending a lot of time with one group makes it very apparent of who you're not spending time with. It becomes noticeable when you don't show up or who you show up with. It can be noted who you talk to when you're in a group or who you don't talk to, who you take time to get to know and who you don't, who you have over to your house and who you don't.

There are about 150 people within my immediate community. Probably half of that amount are people that I eat, play, worship, travel, and work with during a normal week. Within that crowd, I have been blessed to find a small accountability group. People that I have invested a lot of time, honest communication, and hard work into. They call me out when I'm wrong, discuss deep theological questions, let me cry even when it's silly, encourage me, take care of me, try to understand me. We build each other up, sharpen each other...I have learned so much from these people. It's intentional. It's deep. It's precious to me.

We are, in this small group of mine, trying to figure out how to do life together in the in the right way within the bigger group. Balance, love, thoughtfulness, inclusion, while still maintaining the closeness and accountability of the group within the group.Tricky, it seems. Super tricky.

Is it possible to have a group within a group without being a "click", exclusive, hurtful?

I hope so. There are so many friendships within the larger group that I want to continue to pursue, to strengthen, to enjoy, to learn from. But I need my smaller group too. I need that accountability and familiarity, that spiritual bond, that love and acceptance even when the truth is known.

But mostly I want to do what's right, what's edifying for the body, what's commanded of me: to love my neighbor as myself.

I'm hoping after this week, to have a better understanding of what that looks like.

To a New Year...

I'm almost done with my first real week of teaching and I haven't really even mentioned it yet. So, here goes.

• I like my schedule. 
• I'm happy about the re-vamping of my Model United Nations program.
• The teachers' lounge is as awesome as it's always been. Maybe even awesomer. Yes, awesomer.
• Technology has been the bane of my existence for the last two weeks. Arg.
• I'm coaching volleyball again. Yay!
• My classroom has new tables (desks).
• I'm drinking coffee like it's going out of style.

School is good.

In all seriousness, I'm happy about the next nine months. They feel full of possibility.I've decided to be more purposeful in my teaching this year. I plan to sit down and write a list of professional goals to accomplish by May. Over the last two years, I've learned so much and really been forced to be a better teacher just because of circumstances. But now that I'm past "survival mode", I feel like I can choose how and where I want to improve. It's exciting really. 

Hm, I feel like there's an epiphany coming soon about how I might really enjoy teaching if I'd ever stay in one place long enough...bleh...that's for another post.

Anyway.

As the days pass, the more excited I become to be back in school, teaching, planning for trips and conferences, coaching volleyball, preparing for Vida and fall camps, training new student leaders. 

Ya, I foresee a great year in front of me. One of growth and fun and new relationships with both students and staff.

Let's get 'er done.

Embracing the Suck

I heard a phrase in the teacher's lounge today (one of my favorite places on earth) and decided to use it. The guy who was explaining it to me was saying that when he was a soldier in the army, he learned to do this when he was marching. Hot and sweaty and muddy...it had the potential to be miserable. So instead, he would try to get as hot and sweaty and muddy as possible. He called it, "Embracing the suck".

I literally haven't seen the sun full-on since leaving Colorado. It's seems all I've ever know is the foggy, misty, cloudy, all-consuming gray. It's hot and muggy, sweat pours at all times, day or night.

I'm going to try and embrace the suck. See? I even took a picture to prove that I'm appreciating the beauty of all the shades of haze. And then played around with the coloring...also involves appreciating...

Haze- There's a whole city out there somewhere.

#2

#3

#4

I'm trying to come up with other ways (besides picture taking) to enjoy the really stinky weather we're having (and predicted to have for the next week...or the rest of my life). 

Puddle jumping? Fancy new umbrella? Sweat bandana that can double as a neck scarf?

Yep, That's all I can come up with.

New motto: Embrace the Suck.

The Real Deal

I wrote this post several days ago but didn't post it. Too much honesty. Too much accountability. But after talking with several friends, I've found I'm not the only one having these thoughts. It seems to be a community-wide conviction. Maybe being confronted with death has helped to bring us back to our first Love, helped to remind us why we've chosen to live a life set apart. 

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"Frauds! You burnish the surface of your cups and bowls so they sparkle in the sun, while the insides are maggoty with your greed and gluttony.

Frauds! You're like manicured grave plots, grass clipped and the flowers bright, but six feet down it's all rotting bones and worm-eaten flesh. People look at you and think you're saints, but beneath the skin you're total frauds."

You have wearied the LORD with your words.

“How have we wearied him?” you ask.

By saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them”...

For months, God has been working on my insides.

The end of school last year, my last two weeks in America this summer, coming back here, this weekend...it all seems to be pointing me in the same direction.

Am I really going to live the life Christ has called me to live, or am I going to continue to be a fraud? A fraud with the best intentions, but a fraud none-the-less.

As I prepared to lead worship this weekend, feeling more nervous than I have in a long time, I was constantly reminded that it is SO not about me. It's not about my abilities or talents or words or the band or the songs. It's about the heart, what's on the inside. It's about meaning the words I'm singing.

But it's more than that. And I crave that "more". The "more" of living a life holy and acceptable, a life constantly dying to self, being holy because He is holy. 

This is what I've been thinking about for months, knowing God is calling me to do it. I mean, He's commanded us all to this kind of life but specifically working  on banging, clanging, pounding on the inside of me...

The question is, am I really willing? Am I willing to make radical changes in my life? Or am I going to continue to actively ignore the Holy Spirit? As if talking about change is enough, acknowledging the need, even making small changes, but not really doing what I am being called to do.

I don't even know if I know what that kind of life looks like, how to really be in the world and not of it. And I'm not just talking about not watching Glee or not listening to Lil Wayne or not drinking beer. I'm talking about loving people so much it hurts. About following Him where ever He leads, even if it means staying right where I am for a decade. About making hard choices that go against the popular Christian social norms. About looking at every aspect of my life and making sure that it's glorifying to God, living a life that's radically different and yet so appealing that it draws others to Him. And doing it all with the sole purpose of loving God, totally and completely surrendered to Him. 

Blast! A rock and a hard place, that's what I'm in. I want to do right, but I want it to be easy. And I want to not have to do it all the time. Only when it's convenient for me or when I feel Super -convicted (different than just normal-convicted).

Ha! And there's the heart of the issue.

Me. I get in the way. I'm always in the way.

But what James 4:17 says has been ringing in my head for weeks. If I  know the good I ought to do and don't do it, it is sin.

And that, folks, is where I'm at. And you?