Friday, June 13, 2014
I think my last post misled you. It made me sound super-spiritual, like even in the mess I had it all together. Holy, holy, holy. Oh, how I wish that were true. Here's the truth...
I spent about four months, November to March, being a total (yes, I'm going to say it) bitch to my roommate. I was angry. She was in an ideal position to receive all that anger. God has done a major work of restoration in our friendship over the last three months but we're just starting to get to a place where we have even a moment of what we had before we left China together.
I smoked like a chimney for about 6 months. I know, you can't believe I'm confessing this in a public forum. Deal with it. When I can't handle life, apparently I smoke. I spent that time sneaking around, finding quiet places to have a cig and get away from people. I still love to smoke but well, we all know it's not healthy so I don't do it...often.
I feel...numb these days. I went from feeling all the feels for many months to being in a place where I rarely feel anything deeply. I suppose it's been a way my heart and mind have chosen to protect themselves a bit, to re-stabilize. When you're a person who feels things very deeply, sometimes you just need a break. Every once in awhile, especially when I'm tired, the sadness oozes out, but mostly, I'm just fine. And of course, there are moments of true joy. Those come mostly when the sun is out and I'm near the scent of an olive tree. Living in a beautiful place like Colorado has definitely been a healing balm for my soul. So, as time passes and healing happens, my heart and mind have begun to thaw here and there.
God still feels very far away. I can see Him working and moving both in my life and around me but the closeness is still missing. I've tried everything I can think of to get it to return but well, it's just not happening. But I read a book called, "Come, Be My Light" by Mother Teresa a couple of months ago and it's been the most encouraging and challenging book I've ever read. If you've ever been through a really dark time spiritually, I cannot recommend it enough. God used it to speak to me in such a direct way, it kind of helped remove the crazy I was feeling, and give a name to thoughts I was thinking.
Sin. I make poor choices all the time. When you don't have a lot of accountability, let's just be honest, sin comes in faster and more often. The benefit of living in a fishbowl (like I had in China) is that you're probably less like to choose to do wrong because someone, somewhere is probably watching and is hopefully going to call you out. Because of my lack of that, well, let's just say, I've really learned the need and importance of having people to do life with, closely.
So there it is. The truth and ugliness of my heart. I am SO aware of my sin. You should be too. And in that way, we're doing a little bit of life together. Which is exactly what I need.
I truly love you, my dear friends. It's very easy to believe the lie that when you feel all alone, that you actually ARE all alone. You've made it very clear that I'm loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you.