|Blurry, but Me. With antlers.|
I am officially "in my 30's". Turning 31 didn't really count because it's so close to 30 which is so close to 29. And 29, as you know is still very young. But 32...32 is WELL into the 30's.
I'm old. Not in a compared-to-a-75-year-old-sort-of-way. Not even in the look-like-a-32-year-old-sort-of-way. We all know I still look like I'm 18. Arg. More in a my-brain-still-thinks-it's-23-but-wait-where-did-all-these-memories-come-from-sort-of-way.
It's so close to that "is she going to be an old maid?" age. You know what I mean. When a single women reaches a certain age, people start to stumble over their words when they say things like "oh, you'll understand when you're married" or "just wait until you have kids". It's like there's a giant vacuum in the room that just sucks out the air. "Oh crap! I just said that out loud. To HER!" As if they've just said the one thing I can't bare to have implied when we both know "IT" (marriage and children) may never happen. They're embarrassed because they're sure they've just kicked the elephant in the room. And I'm embarrassed because they're embarrassed because they think I should be embarrassed.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be married and have a bus-load of babies. In all shapes, sizes and colors. Babies, not husbands. And maybe someday it will happen. I hope it does.
But let me set you straight. And by "you". I don't mean YOU. I mean those of "them" that think I just HAVE to be dissatisfied. Well, if that applies to you then I suppose I do mean YOU.
I'm 32. I'm single. And I'm content. Say it with me you who think that a woman can only be fulfilled when she's got a man and a gaggle of offspring strapped to her back: "32. Single. Content." Yes, ladies and gentlemen it is possible.
Content. Joyful. Dare I say "happy"? God and I have been discussing this whole singleness issue for close to a year now. After a lot of questions and talking and even some tears, I've come to the conclusion that I trust God. It's one thing to say it. "Of course I trust God." We all say it. "Yes, I trust God. Enough to move to China, even". But I've found moving to another continent is easy-cheesy when compared to looking at FOREVER being single and realizing that that is what He WANTS for me (as far as I can see). But I've chosen to believe this is true---> He has His BEST in Mind For Me. My singleness MUST be included in that. It doesn't make sense to me sometimes. But I'm making a choice to trust Him, even if I'm single for. the. rest. of. my. life.
I REALLY mean that last paragraph...most of the time. I only renege every once in awhile...mostly around holidays or when I have something really heavy to carry up my five flights of stairs. Or need to figure out electrical things like what kind of wires to buy to hook up my laptop to my TV.
So...I had no intention to write about "singleness" in this post. It was really just going to be about getting older, about how I tend to evaluate life a little more with each passing year, about how I'm pushing myself to learn new things (like the guitar), about how I'm finally going to buy a TV for my gift this year after not having one since I moved out on my own. I was going to reflect on the things I've done and the things still left to do. Maybe even write a bucket list. I was going to discuss how at 32 I know less then I thought I did at 23, how time seems to go faster every year that goes by, how relationships seem to get harder and yet more important with each birthday. I was even considering telling you about how big changes seem to be headed this way over then next 12 months.
But I suppose all of that will have to wait until next year. Of course, who knows where I'll be in a year, physically, mentally (hopefully still sane) and geographically. Oh the surprises 12 months can bring. Exciting, isn't it?