Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Grossest Thing I've Ever Seen

I am totally addicted to this blog. She is stinkin' hilarious. I stumbled (and by stumbled I mean "blog stalked") upon this post that she wrote several months ago about gross things her kids do. The stuff she described wasn't so bad, but the comments, oh the comments under her post...I may never be the same. I literally almost wet my pants because I was laughing so hard. You MUST go read them. Be prepared as some of them will cause you to throw up in your mouth a little bit. BUT it's totally worth it.

Just in case you're too lazy to click on this post, I've copied and pasted a few of the comments listed. Be prepared...

"The first time we took our kids to Disneyland they were 2 and a half. My girlfriend's 2 and a half year old son licked every railing in sight when they were there. So by the last day I was so proud my son hadn't licked a single thing. We were on Main Street first thing in the morning, you know how they wash the streets down every night? Well everything was still really wet. I look over and Andrew is lying face down on the street sucking the water out of the hole where an umbrella would go. All the dirt and germs from "The Happiest Place On Earth" right in his mouth! BOOO!!"

He must've been thirsty?

"When my daughter was a baby, she sampled cat poop from the litter-box. MORE THAN ONCE."

No words.

"Cockroaches! We went to a similar exhibit in LA when my daughter was quite small and in love with all creatures (who am I kidding, she's 10 and still is!). She held and... KISSED one of those hissing cockroaches. I literally got teary eyed trying not to throw up/freak out/something other than think it was adorable -- which it kind of was in a hugely gross way. Then she wanted to hold the babies and give each of them a hug and a kiss (baby hissing cockroaches that is)."

Have I mentioned how much I hate bugs?

Okay, there are about 30 other REALLY funny comments that you must read...

In honor off this very disgustingly funny theme, I thought I would share the grossest thing I've ever seen.

I've lived through some really foul things in my life. I think that just comes with working with kids. I've cleaned up vomit. I've washed down a bathroom filled with poop pictures (poop smeared on the floor/walls with pictures drawn in it by little fingers...on more than one occasion). I've changed explosive diapers, handled maggot covered trash (probably the second grossest thing to ever happen to me...think Raiders of the Lost Ark in reference to the amount of maggots), and a lot of other things. But there's one particular memory that still makes me want to gag every time I talk about it.

I was a freshman in college, working at a day care. My boss, we'll call her Darb, kind of took me under her wing. To this day, I'm not sure if this was a good or bad thing. And when I say "took me under her wing", I mean she had me over to her house several different times to "help" her clean one mess of a house and/or babysit her kids. I don't really know why I went along with it. Maybe because she was my boss, maybe because she was a single mom, maybe because at that time in my life, I had no idea how to say "no". Regardless, I became a sort of fixture within their family for my first three months of college.

Towards the end of our relationship (she was let go from the daycare) we went on a picnic to the park. It was a beautiful fall day. A chill in the air, colorful leaves. Perfect day to be outside.

Let me take a moment to share something with you. I can't stand snot/boogers/mucus. Cant. Stand. It. Just thinking about it makes me gag. Hearing people snork and then spit, knowing it's in their mouth, uggugugug, I just gagged writing this.

So, I'm at the park with this family. The bebe kid had a cold. I mean, little kids are snotty anyway, especially when it's cold. I get it. And they hate having their nose wiped. I get it. But thi
s was above and beyond the normal drainage. No matter how much you wiped, it was there, consistently replenishing itself. I'm quite sure her mother had given up, I mean, who can stay on top of a gushing river? And who was I to take over the much needed wipe-age?

Park. Picnic. Playground. On to the playground. Little Girl with snotty nose is running around like a wild-woman, the collection on her top lip getting worse and worse (think green slime). Little Girl wants to go down the big slide. Now, she's only two-ish so Darb and I choose our posts. I'm at the bottom of the slide, she'll take Little Girl to the top of the slide. Darb walks Little Girl around to the ladder and helps her up, follows behind her, kind of acting like a shield.

At some point in this two-some, when they're face to face, Darb notices Little Girl's nose "situation". Darb has no kleenex on her but Little Girl is on the verge of drowning in the goo.

So what does Darb do?

She takes her hand, mind you I'm watching all of this happen in slow motion, she takes her hand and squeezes ALL the SNOT out of Little Girl's nose INTO HER OWN HAND...at this point I am HORRIFIED. No breath is coming out of me. My mind is racing...something about "a mother's love"and "doing things you'd never thought you'd do when you become a mom" and "desperate times call for desperate measures"...I couldn't look away...it gets worse.

She squeezed the snot into her hand and THEN?????

LICKS. IT. CLEAN. Like an afternoon snack. No biggie. I-just-slurped-up-my-weight-in-my-daughters-mucus-lets-send-her-down-the-slide...

This is not a picture of the real little girl. I found it on the internet. And gagged.

I gagged and gagged and gagged and gagged. I left abruptly. Gagged in the car. Gagged when I got home. Gagged every time I thought about it. I didn't tell anyone about it for days because I literally couldn't get the words out of my mouth.When I was finally able to verbalize it, I gagged every time. Everyone I told it to gagged...it took me years, YEARS to get to a point of being able to talk about it without almost throwing up.

So, that's my story. Are you okay? Seriously, the last time I told this story, I had a roomful of upset stomachs. Awesome.

I recognize this has nothing to do with recent posts or really in-depth stuff...just thought you might enjoy a good story. Sorry for the abrupt shift.

Any stories you want to share?


Anonymous said...

When I scroll down to read this entry, I have to keep the page where I can't see that kid. Pretty yucky. Mom

Jen said...

I'm surprised I haven't told you this story.

When I was doing a search for the picture, I can't even express the disgusting things that come up when you google "green mucus", "snot", "phlem"...barf. Almost literally.

Yah, I can't look at it either.

Jill said...

This is the most offensive picture ever! I remember the first time you told me the story about the daycare lady. I will never forget the way you gagged even while you told it. Gross! I love this post. I can't wait to look at that blog! You should look at this blog too. I love it. This lady cracks me up!

Love you, friend! I miss you!

(LOL! My word verification is "porkly")

Karen Williams said...

Oh Jen...thanks for the laugh!