a daring adventure, or nothing
Friday, June 13, 2014
An Addendum
I think my last post misled you. It made me sound super-spiritual, like even in the mess I had it all together. Holy, holy, holy. Oh, how I wish that were true. Here's the truth...
I spent about four months, November to March, being a total (yes, I'm going to say it) bitch to my roommate. I was angry. She was in an ideal position to receive all that anger. God has done a major work of restoration in our friendship over the last three months but we're just starting to get to a place where we have even a moment of what we had before we left China together.
I smoked like a chimney for about 6 months. I know, you can't believe I'm confessing this in a public forum. Deal with it. When I can't handle life, apparently I smoke. I spent that time sneaking around, finding quiet places to have a cig and get away from people. I still love to smoke but well, we all know it's not healthy so I don't do it...often.
I feel...numb these days. I went from feeling all the feels for many months to being in a place where I rarely feel anything deeply. I suppose it's been a way my heart and mind have chosen to protect themselves a bit, to re-stabilize. When you're a person who feels things very deeply, sometimes you just need a break. Every once in awhile, especially when I'm tired, the sadness oozes out, but mostly, I'm just fine. And of course, there are moments of true joy. Those come mostly when the sun is out and I'm near the scent of an olive tree. Living in a beautiful place like Colorado has definitely been a healing balm for my soul. So, as time passes and healing happens, my heart and mind have begun to thaw here and there.
God still feels very far away. I can see Him working and moving both in my life and around me but the closeness is still missing. I've tried everything I can think of to get it to return but well, it's just not happening. But I read a book called, "Come, Be My Light" by Mother Teresa a couple of months ago and it's been the most encouraging and challenging book I've ever read. If you've ever been through a really dark time spiritually, I cannot recommend it enough. God used it to speak to me in such a direct way, it kind of helped remove the crazy I was feeling, and give a name to thoughts I was thinking.
Sin. I make poor choices all the time. When you don't have a lot of accountability, let's just be honest, sin comes in faster and more often. The benefit of living in a fishbowl (like I had in China) is that you're probably less like to choose to do wrong because someone, somewhere is probably watching and is hopefully going to call you out. Because of my lack of that, well, let's just say, I've really learned the need and importance of having people to do life with, closely.
So there it is. The truth and ugliness of my heart. I am SO aware of my sin. You should be too. And in that way, we're doing a little bit of life together. Which is exactly what I need.
I truly love you, my dear friends. It's very easy to believe the lie that when you feel all alone, that you actually ARE all alone. You've made it very clear that I'm loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
One Year Later- A Reflection
Today marks one year (exactly) since I moved back to America. I'm taking the evening to reflect on the last year, not only to update those of you who care but also so that I'll have it written down somewhere. I've broken it up into categories because otherwise, it was just too overwhelming. It's a lot of words. I will definitely judge the amount of your love for me by how far you make it through this post. :)
- Left Qingdao and arrived in Denver on June 12th, 2013
- Moved into my new house on June 14th, 2013 (with NO furniture or house stuff)
- Started my new job at the church on June 17th, 2013
- Worked at the church June-December 2013
- Quit my job at the church in November but finished in December 2013
- Unemployed for a month (yay for a time of rest!)
- Started a very part time job teaching the GED to immigrants in the middle of January 2014
- Started a full-time job with Denver Rescue Mission as the Volunteer Relations Coordinator on January 27th, 2014
- Finished the GED job at the end of February 2014
- Working at Denver Rescue Mission, January-present
The bullet-point update (for those of you who don't really care about feeling all the feels):
- The job- I'm still working at Denver Rescue Mission. What is DRM? We run a homeless shelter in downtown Denver but we also have several locations that work with families in transition (need a home but have a job), people who are homeless, and refugees new to the country. I find volunteers, interview, process paperwork and place them into our programs so that those programs will run properly. I love working for this organization, I love the people I work with. I'm struggling with my job a bit. It doesn't really lend towards relationship-building and I do a lot of work in front of a computer. But it's been exactly what I needed for the last several months, a time of consistency and stability, nothing too stretching or difficult. And it's only been a 40-hour-a-week job (can you imagine!?!) so I've had all my evenings and weekends to do other things. That's been AWESOME. In ministry/teaching, you're on all the time. This has been life-changing, literally, to be able to just rest and 'be' on the weekends, not having to serve at church or worry about lesson plans. At the same time, I'm hoping this season is coming to an end. My heart aches to be involved in ministry of some sort, working with people, building relationships.
- Church- when I left my job at the church, I was completely broken...for a myriad of reasons. I needed some time to dig through the hurt, face sin and brokenness in my heart towards the church and begin the healing and restoration process. I began visiting churches and six months later, I'm still visiting churches. I've been in ministry/pastor's kid for all but 6 years of my life which basically means I've rarely had a choice on where I've gone to church. And here I am, getting to choose (which I hate because it's like shopping for a car) and I can't seem to find one that fits even a little bit. I used to have a long list of what I was looking for. All reasonable things but unfindable, it seems. Now, I've basically narrowed down my list to "deep, gospel-centered preaching" and "friendly people who aren't all in my age-range/social status". So, we'll see. Trying really hard not to be discouraged. But God has definitely used this time to begin the healing process. I'm so very thankful for this season.
- Community- I have very little community. Because of my lack of church and changing of jobs, I just haven't been anywhere long enough to build relationships. I have friends who I hang out with but outside of my roommate (dear friend) Carolyn, I'm still trying to find a niche. I have had an opportunity to live missionally with my neighbors. We (the roommate and me) hang with the kids a couple of times a month (at least). Lots of fun. And I'm so thankful for them. They're a tangible expression of God's faithfulness. I also have a couple of women at work that I'm able to pray with and get a bit of accountability with. So thankful for them too.
- Me- because of the predictability and ease of my job, I've been able to spend a lot of time focused on getting healthy. I go to the gym 5ish times a week and eat super healthy (lots of time cooking and prepping meals). I started in December of 2013 but got really hardcore at Lent. I've lost 65lbs. I have a hard time seeing the difference but every once in awhile something will happen and it'll hit me. I'm really thankful that I've had this time to figure out how to do life in a healthy way. I don't really have a goal weight but I plan to continue until...I'm ready to stop which will be until at least October. Another interesting thing is that I've been doing some dating since the beginning of this year. Online dating, that is. It's made for some very interesting stories and added a bit of adventure to my mundane life. On another note, I also bought a car and a house-full of furniture.
- Family- one of the main reasons I moved to Denver was because it was only an hour drive to my parents house. After living away from home for 16 years, it's been a beautiful thing to be so close. I've been able to help with hospital and doctor stuff, go fishing, spend the night, watch movies, hang out...really, just do life with my family. It's been the best part of my move back to America, for sure. Another tangible expression of God's faithfulness.
This has been, by far, the hardest year of my life. Leaving a place I loved, where I learned that it was okay to be exactly who God created me to be, fully embraced even in my mess and sin, loved and fully known, doing a job and being involved in a ministry that had purpose, growth, grace... leaving all of that, was like mourning a death, an abstract but very real death. It was something I wasn’t prepared for. I knew it would be difficult to leave but I chalked it up to one more move, something I’ve done 20 times. But this time leaving was unlike any other. And then walking into a very messy situation with an elder resigning and having to take over a couple of ministries, working 90 hours a week, reeling from jetlag, moving into a new house while having nothing to move in to my house, learning a new city, a new culture, a new job, overseeing interns, dealing with some major health issues with the roommate, having a small but very inconvenient car accident...all of this crazy circumstantial stuff. And at the same time, some incredibly difficult spiritual stuff. My last two years in China were revolutionary in my understanding of how much God loved me and learning to love Him back. He revealed himself to me so deeply. After being a believer for 28 years, I finally understood, even if just a bit, what it meant to "be in a loving relationship" with him. So hard but such joy. It was like we were walking hand-in-hand through a flower-filled meadow, sun shining, laughing and playing, drinking deeply from our time together. And it wasn't just me and Him, it was me and him and so many of my friends from my community in China, arms linked, basking in the glow of doing life together. And when it was time for me to leave, God and I, we held hands through the airport in China, wept together on the plane to America, suffered through jetlag and the craziness of the ministry I had stepped into for that first month and then, poof. He was gone. I lost the sense of His presence. I don't believe that he literally left me, but it sure seemed like he removed himself from me. Somewhere in July, between the outside circumstances and feeling completely and utterly alone spiritually, something broke inside of me. Life became disconnected. I walked around kind of like a zombie, meeting needs, completing tasks, exhausting myself to my limits, all the while feeling like I had lost my mind. I was completely out of control with my emotions (I think I cried every day for six months straight), unable to see truth and even if I could see it, I sure didn't know it or understand it. I entered into, what I'm sure was, a very deep depression.
I spent the rest of the summer and most of the fall, just trying to survive. I was drowning, trying to learn to breath underwater. After quitting my job at the church in December, my outside circumstances changed, became calmer; I was able to rest physically. Having time to rest, though, also meant that I had time to really feel. And it hurt. Really hurt. I was so angry and bitter, at the church (as a whole), at God. Mostly at God. I felt abandoned, alone, like He'd pulled the bait-and-switch on me. I couldn't make it all make sense, why he would move me in such a providential way from a place of knowing and being known in China and bring me to a place of feeling completely and utterly alone in America. I was SO.ANGRY.
At the same time, I could see little blips of Him working. Giving me neighbor kids to love on, providing my job at Denver Rescue Mission, allowing an ease of relationship with my parents, sending me to a church where a pastor spoke words of life that I so desperately needed to hear to begin the healing process. As time passed, specifically during Lent, my heart began to change. Or maybe I should say that HE was changing my heart. Where there was anxiety, came peace. Where there was disillusionment, came understanding. Where there was anger and bitterness, came grace. It's still in process, of course.
God has spent the last year stripping me of many, many things. I've begun to understand the purpose of this stripping of relationships and ministry and job and community. You see, before I left China, during my last year, I spent a lot of time praying that God would:
- take away my pride.
- reveal the depth of my anger.
- root out brokenness.
- knock down my idols.
- make me more like Him.
Even in this.
Even in my heartache. Even in my utter loneliness.
It's the cry of my heart, to be stripped and then rebuilt. To be broken and then remade. I just didn't realize it would come in this package.
I wish I could say that I was on the other side of it all. That I was running through the fields again, hand-in-hand. That I had embraced the stripping, the brokenness. I suppose I have moments that I do. But mostly I just long for Him, for community that reflects him. I ache for a church, for a ministry, for an outlet to use my gifts. Life comes in seasons. And this is a season of just learning to 'be'. Being content, being still, just being.
What's next:
I SO wish I knew. I'm just waiting. I've been here a year and still don't have anything tying me down, linking me to this place. And maybe that "linking" is coming right around the corner. Or maybe He's prepping me for the next step. I'm learning that even though God is so very faithful, He often shows that faithfulness in a completely different way than expected. So, I'm learning to let go of my expectations. Sounds like an adventure, doesn't it?
After all of this, I can say:
I am thankful.
I.am.thankful.
I am thankful for this year. For the experiences, the loss, the hurt, the revealing of sin, the new beginnings, the answered prayers, the faithfulness of God.
I'm walking away from the last 12 months better understanding my desperate need for a Savior. And that my friends, is the point, isn't it?
Sunday, November 10, 2013
The Parentals
It's been sixteen years since I've lived close to my parents. I haven't been home for more than a week or two at a time since sometime in my early college years. A looong time ago.
Now that I'm living an hour from my parents, well, it means a lot of really good things.
Now that I'm living an hour from my parents, well, it means a lot of really good things.
- We get to celebrate special days together- I had a birthday dinner with my parents for the first time in 16 years. That's crazy.
- At a time when I've kind of forgotten who I am, I get to be with people that love me and know me, no matter what version of myself I am that day.
- I get to see them once a week or every couple of weeks. That's a BIG deal. It used to be once a year or every couple of years.
- They're fun. My parents are really fun people. When I used to come visit for days at a time, I would occasionally forget how "fun" they were. But now, seeing each other in less intense spaces of time, we get to just enjoy each other.
- They speak truth into my life. My parents have been around the block. They've experienced more hard things in ministry than almost anyone I know. It's really wonderful to have them near enough to know my life and be able to point me to Christ even in the hard things. And they always seem to know what to say.
- They delight in me. Maybe this sounds self-centered but they do. They just enjoy being around me and it's obvious. And that's really nice. It's nice to be wanted.
- They cook for me and take me out to dinner and almost kill themselves to get washers down in the basement and such. It's lovely to be taken care of every once in awhile.
- I get the opportunity to get to know them. It's hard to really know people when you've always lived thousands of miles away from them. It's fun to see the real side of them and not just the vacation version.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
A Summary of Sorts: Four Years in the Making
When I moved to China, it was a forever move. I sold an entire house full of stuff, got rid of my car, closed all of my accounts and headed off to a foreign land where I thought I would spend the rest of my life. Or at least a large portion of it.
As my fourth year comes to an end and I head back to America, to go and do what God has called me to do, a reflection...
Year One: Adjustment of Expectations
I arrived in China, sure that I was going to be best friends with every Chinese person I knew. I was going to go to underground churches, be fluent in Mandarin, cook local food, immerse myself in the culture. I was going to learn this country inside and out, change lives, be changed- A Grand Adventure.
And then reality came crushing down. My first year, I worked 80-100 hours a week. I travel for a month during each semester. I was not a natural at learning Mandarin. I was surrounded by foreigners who spoke only English. I had NOT EVEN ONE Chinese friend. I had a roommate (who is a lovely woman of God) that I had nothing in common with. And I had some unattainable expectations placed on me that bruised my spirit a little around the edges. I had few friends, even less of an identity, lived in fear of failure, felt constant stress.
A difficult year to say the least.
Year Two: The Inner Struggle
I changed jobs, I changed houses, I changed friends. No more roommate, I lived alone. People came and left. My job held less stress and work and demands. Only 60 hour weeks, still traveling for a month each semester.
Oh how I wrestled with my inability to get into the Chinese culture, to make Chinese friends. A choice has to be made here and this won't really make sense to those who haven't lived in this kind of environment before: Choose the culture and people of the country you live in, or choose the culture and people of the international community. It is almost completely impossible to do both without getting burned out within a year. I've seen it happen. My choice was made for me though. The demands of my job made my choice- the international community. And it killed me. In fact, it probably took another year for me to find peace about it. Why would God bring me to a country that I can't even take part in? Why would He give me a job that won't allow for me to do anything else other than what I'm doing? Maybe this still doesn't make sense to you...maybe you're wondering why my job decided for me. Because of the traveling, because of the time demands, because of the program I managed, it used up all of my energy. All.of.it. I had little left to give. And what I did have left, I used for leading worship at my Fellowship, doing extra events at my school to get to know my students, spending time with friends building relationships. If you've ever lived overseas, you know how draining (and rewarding) it is to function in another culture that's not your own. Now add to that not being able to read or understand the language...it's impossibly difficult.
This all sounds like excuses, I know. Trust me, I know. I lived my first two years in frustration at myself, at my job, at God for not allowing me to do "what I thought He wanted me to do."
Year Three: The Fog Lifting
My job became much easier but my relationships became much harder. There was constant emotional upheaval, hurt, pain, stretching. Conflict was everywhere and it was life-draining. And it was beautiful. I spent hours learning how to communicate, how to be vulnerable, how to love others better, how submit, how to trust, how to allow myself to be pursued, how to pursue, how to find healing, how to admit brokenness, how to ask for forgiveness, how to forgive, how to allow the Holy Spirit to use those around me to transform me. I began to learn about community- what it is, what it looks like, how it works. It became my 'thing'. Doing community, being intentional, being purposeful in my conversations, in my friendships, in my pursual of others, in my relationship with Christ.
During this year, God began to work on the inner battle of my purpose for being here. I came with all these expectations of what I thought I would be doing with the Chinese and He slowly began to show me that wasn't my purpose here. Door after door closed on my pursual of Chinese friends. And even though I still struggle sometimes with all of it, I can clearly see that He had other plans for me.
This was such a difficult year. It's hard to do life when you are emotionally exhausted all of the time. But I wouldn't change it for anything.
Year Four: Purpose Found
This is a hard year to explain. It's like every lesson, every experience, every relationship, every hardship, every beautiful moment has led up to this year. The job that's been so hard, the students who've taken forever to let me in just a little, the friendships that have sharpened me, the travel to infinity and beyond, the time away from family, all of it has brought me to a place of clarity and vision. The Lord has used all of these experiences to show me what I'm passionate about, what I want to be doing for the rest of my life: loving on people and building relationships in the body of Christ.I want to be used in any way I can to help people to get connected to the body.
As this clarity came, so did the inner release. I was released from my inadequacy of meeting the expectations I set for myself when moving to China. I was released from being in the place and working at this job after this year. I was released from teaching in the capacity that I've been doing for so long, in the classroom. I didn't know I needed to be released. I didn't know that's what I was waiting for. God's timing is perfect. What's interesting to me is that even while this release came, so did a love and passion for my job. I have so enjoyed this year, doing what I'm doing. It has brought me joy and close relationships with my students.
Reflecting on the last 9 months or so, all I can see is the faithfulness of God. He brought me to this place and taught me about his unfailing love through constant pursual. He taught me pursual through faithful friendship. He taught me friendship through deep and authentic community. He taught me community by graciously communing with me.
To sum it up...
I am so thankful for every experience that I've had here. I am thankful for my job, the skills I've learned, the students I've had, the places I've traveled. I am thankful for my community of believers that have loved me, chastised me, held me up, pushed me, brought me such joy. I am thankful for this country and it's people, the culture, the language, the traditions, the beauty. I am thankful for a God who brought me to a place that gave healing, growth, love, revival, knowledge and experiences in ways that I couldn't have learned in any other place, with any other circumstances.
An adventure, indeed.
As my fourth year comes to an end and I head back to America, to go and do what God has called me to do, a reflection...
Year One: Adjustment of Expectations
I arrived in China, sure that I was going to be best friends with every Chinese person I knew. I was going to go to underground churches, be fluent in Mandarin, cook local food, immerse myself in the culture. I was going to learn this country inside and out, change lives, be changed- A Grand Adventure.
And then reality came crushing down. My first year, I worked 80-100 hours a week. I travel for a month during each semester. I was not a natural at learning Mandarin. I was surrounded by foreigners who spoke only English. I had NOT EVEN ONE Chinese friend. I had a roommate (who is a lovely woman of God) that I had nothing in common with. And I had some unattainable expectations placed on me that bruised my spirit a little around the edges. I had few friends, even less of an identity, lived in fear of failure, felt constant stress.
A difficult year to say the least.
Year Two: The Inner Struggle
I changed jobs, I changed houses, I changed friends. No more roommate, I lived alone. People came and left. My job held less stress and work and demands. Only 60 hour weeks, still traveling for a month each semester.
Oh how I wrestled with my inability to get into the Chinese culture, to make Chinese friends. A choice has to be made here and this won't really make sense to those who haven't lived in this kind of environment before: Choose the culture and people of the country you live in, or choose the culture and people of the international community. It is almost completely impossible to do both without getting burned out within a year. I've seen it happen. My choice was made for me though. The demands of my job made my choice- the international community. And it killed me. In fact, it probably took another year for me to find peace about it. Why would God bring me to a country that I can't even take part in? Why would He give me a job that won't allow for me to do anything else other than what I'm doing? Maybe this still doesn't make sense to you...maybe you're wondering why my job decided for me. Because of the traveling, because of the time demands, because of the program I managed, it used up all of my energy. All.of.it. I had little left to give. And what I did have left, I used for leading worship at my Fellowship, doing extra events at my school to get to know my students, spending time with friends building relationships. If you've ever lived overseas, you know how draining (and rewarding) it is to function in another culture that's not your own. Now add to that not being able to read or understand the language...it's impossibly difficult.
This all sounds like excuses, I know. Trust me, I know. I lived my first two years in frustration at myself, at my job, at God for not allowing me to do "what I thought He wanted me to do."
Year Three: The Fog Lifting
My job became much easier but my relationships became much harder. There was constant emotional upheaval, hurt, pain, stretching. Conflict was everywhere and it was life-draining. And it was beautiful. I spent hours learning how to communicate, how to be vulnerable, how to love others better, how submit, how to trust, how to allow myself to be pursued, how to pursue, how to find healing, how to admit brokenness, how to ask for forgiveness, how to forgive, how to allow the Holy Spirit to use those around me to transform me. I began to learn about community- what it is, what it looks like, how it works. It became my 'thing'. Doing community, being intentional, being purposeful in my conversations, in my friendships, in my pursual of others, in my relationship with Christ.
During this year, God began to work on the inner battle of my purpose for being here. I came with all these expectations of what I thought I would be doing with the Chinese and He slowly began to show me that wasn't my purpose here. Door after door closed on my pursual of Chinese friends. And even though I still struggle sometimes with all of it, I can clearly see that He had other plans for me.
This was such a difficult year. It's hard to do life when you are emotionally exhausted all of the time. But I wouldn't change it for anything.
Year Four: Purpose Found
This is a hard year to explain. It's like every lesson, every experience, every relationship, every hardship, every beautiful moment has led up to this year. The job that's been so hard, the students who've taken forever to let me in just a little, the friendships that have sharpened me, the travel to infinity and beyond, the time away from family, all of it has brought me to a place of clarity and vision. The Lord has used all of these experiences to show me what I'm passionate about, what I want to be doing for the rest of my life: loving on people and building relationships in the body of Christ.I want to be used in any way I can to help people to get connected to the body.
As this clarity came, so did the inner release. I was released from my inadequacy of meeting the expectations I set for myself when moving to China. I was released from being in the place and working at this job after this year. I was released from teaching in the capacity that I've been doing for so long, in the classroom. I didn't know I needed to be released. I didn't know that's what I was waiting for. God's timing is perfect. What's interesting to me is that even while this release came, so did a love and passion for my job. I have so enjoyed this year, doing what I'm doing. It has brought me joy and close relationships with my students.
Reflecting on the last 9 months or so, all I can see is the faithfulness of God. He brought me to this place and taught me about his unfailing love through constant pursual. He taught me pursual through faithful friendship. He taught me friendship through deep and authentic community. He taught me community by graciously communing with me.
To sum it up...
I am so thankful for every experience that I've had here. I am thankful for my job, the skills I've learned, the students I've had, the places I've traveled. I am thankful for my community of believers that have loved me, chastised me, held me up, pushed me, brought me such joy. I am thankful for this country and it's people, the culture, the language, the traditions, the beauty. I am thankful for a God who brought me to a place that gave healing, growth, love, revival, knowledge and experiences in ways that I couldn't have learned in any other place, with any other circumstances.
An adventure, indeed.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Update on Life
Can you believe that I'm starting up my fourth year in China? Crazy! Here's a quick update.
Life in general- I've made some changes this year, partially because I'm trying to be more disciplined, partially because friends have moved away or moved to other places in the city, partially because I can't go through another year exhausted- physically, relationally and emotionally. So, I spend several nights a week at home or at least in my apartment complex, having dinner with friends and still getting home at a decent hour. Having a dog has also encouraged sticking closer to home, and I LOVE it (both having the dog and being closer to my bed). I'm not coaching volleyball this year, and although I miss the sport, the free time it's given me has radically changed my life this semester. I spend a lot of time outside walking or hiking or hanging out with friends. This has revolutionized my devotional life. Communing with God out in nature has been so refreshing for me. It's a wonderful thing to talk to the Creator while sitting on top of a mountain He's created. I'm taking guitar lessons, I've joined a new Bible study, I'm early-to-bed-early-to-rise these days, and I'm finally 100% healthy.
My job- My job is awesome. I have great students, I get to travel all over the world, I get to plan stuff, it's full of variety. Seriously, a fantastic job. And the people I work with and the organization, couldn't ask for better or more. Often, I have a hard time remembering how blessed I am. God has really been working in me, that I would be thankful for this job I have, even though it keeps me so very busy.
I'm still teaching MUN classes and I've added College Prep and dropped World History. I'm planning trips to Korea, Singapore and Italy for our international trips. And we've got our big conference that we host coming up in March.
The people I work with add joy to my life every day. I spend a lot of time laughing throughout the day, just enjoying the humor, stories and perspectives of my co-workers. What a great thing to work in a place where you can laugh and pray and cry and do life together.
Church- I'm still pretty involved with my fellowship. I lead worship once a month and do a few other things every once in awhile like women's worship or singles group. Things have kind of slowed down in that area or at least for this time. And that's okay. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be involved in this year, where my focus is going to be.
Relationships-The thing about living internationally is that relationships are fluid...whether you want them to be or not. Every six months or so, friends leave and new people come in. Letting go of old and familiar and close, letting in new and different and unknown is extremely difficult. This system basically means that you're often mourning loss, always adjusting to new, and never really in the familiar. This summer, some really good friends moved back to America and it's probably been one of my hardest adjustments thus far living in China. At the same time though, new, deep, heart-filling friendships are springing up all over the place. I am so excited about what this year holds, relationally speaking. Allowing the Holy Spirit to use the people around me to reveal sin in my heart, to hold me accountable, to sharpen me, to lift me up, to give me wise counsel, to love on, to grow with, to know and be known, it's a wonderful and beautiful thing. Often hard, but so very worth it. Even in this ever-changing community.
Dreams- There are so many things I want to do. I want to live in Africa and work with orphans. I want to go to Mexico and feed homeless kids and learn Spanish. I want to stay here and help people connect with each other, and learn how to live in community together. I want to go back to school and get a degree...in something...worship or Biblical studies or community growth. I want to live in Wyoming on a horse ranch and breath in the blue skies and wide open spaces. I want to move with a group of my friends who have the same passion for people and live out Christ together, teaching and helping and loving those around us.
So, clearly, I don't have a plan yet. But it's exciting to think about all the possibilities.
Summary- God is good. Last year was a difficult year for many reasons but I am so thankful for His goodness and kindness. This year is filled with potential. I'm looking forward to the adventures and lessons and growth in front of me.
Life in general- I've made some changes this year, partially because I'm trying to be more disciplined, partially because friends have moved away or moved to other places in the city, partially because I can't go through another year exhausted- physically, relationally and emotionally. So, I spend several nights a week at home or at least in my apartment complex, having dinner with friends and still getting home at a decent hour. Having a dog has also encouraged sticking closer to home, and I LOVE it (both having the dog and being closer to my bed). I'm not coaching volleyball this year, and although I miss the sport, the free time it's given me has radically changed my life this semester. I spend a lot of time outside walking or hiking or hanging out with friends. This has revolutionized my devotional life. Communing with God out in nature has been so refreshing for me. It's a wonderful thing to talk to the Creator while sitting on top of a mountain He's created. I'm taking guitar lessons, I've joined a new Bible study, I'm early-to-bed-early-to-rise these days, and I'm finally 100% healthy.
My job- My job is awesome. I have great students, I get to travel all over the world, I get to plan stuff, it's full of variety. Seriously, a fantastic job. And the people I work with and the organization, couldn't ask for better or more. Often, I have a hard time remembering how blessed I am. God has really been working in me, that I would be thankful for this job I have, even though it keeps me so very busy.
I'm still teaching MUN classes and I've added College Prep and dropped World History. I'm planning trips to Korea, Singapore and Italy for our international trips. And we've got our big conference that we host coming up in March.
The people I work with add joy to my life every day. I spend a lot of time laughing throughout the day, just enjoying the humor, stories and perspectives of my co-workers. What a great thing to work in a place where you can laugh and pray and cry and do life together.
Church- I'm still pretty involved with my fellowship. I lead worship once a month and do a few other things every once in awhile like women's worship or singles group. Things have kind of slowed down in that area or at least for this time. And that's okay. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be involved in this year, where my focus is going to be.
Relationships-The thing about living internationally is that relationships are fluid...whether you want them to be or not. Every six months or so, friends leave and new people come in. Letting go of old and familiar and close, letting in new and different and unknown is extremely difficult. This system basically means that you're often mourning loss, always adjusting to new, and never really in the familiar. This summer, some really good friends moved back to America and it's probably been one of my hardest adjustments thus far living in China. At the same time though, new, deep, heart-filling friendships are springing up all over the place. I am so excited about what this year holds, relationally speaking. Allowing the Holy Spirit to use the people around me to reveal sin in my heart, to hold me accountable, to sharpen me, to lift me up, to give me wise counsel, to love on, to grow with, to know and be known, it's a wonderful and beautiful thing. Often hard, but so very worth it. Even in this ever-changing community.
Dreams- There are so many things I want to do. I want to live in Africa and work with orphans. I want to go to Mexico and feed homeless kids and learn Spanish. I want to stay here and help people connect with each other, and learn how to live in community together. I want to go back to school and get a degree...in something...worship or Biblical studies or community growth. I want to live in Wyoming on a horse ranch and breath in the blue skies and wide open spaces. I want to move with a group of my friends who have the same passion for people and live out Christ together, teaching and helping and loving those around us.
So, clearly, I don't have a plan yet. But it's exciting to think about all the possibilities.
Summary- God is good. Last year was a difficult year for many reasons but I am so thankful for His goodness and kindness. This year is filled with potential. I'm looking forward to the adventures and lessons and growth in front of me.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
From My Sick Bed...
I have been trapped in my house for the last 6 days with the stomach flu and
a minor cold. I went 15 years(!) without having the stomach flu and now I've
had it three times in the last 4 months. Some of my friends keep trying to
convince me that it's due to the toxic milk I've been consuming (unawares, of
course) for the last 6 months but I've assured them that it's in no way
related. It might have something to do with a more fragile immune system due to
the scarlet fever I had a couple of years ago, but for sure NOT the toxic milk.
To pass the life-sucking-monotony of sitting on the couch for days (which
might sound glorious to some of you but 1. when it's your only option and
2.your sure your body is close to locking into a permanently sitting position
and 3.you can feel the bed sores coming...well, glorious it is not), I've
immersed myself into the land of all things true and wonderful, political and
American...
It's a little t.v. magic I like to call, "The West Wing".
Oh. My. Gosh.
I've laughed, I've cried, I've talked back to the t.v., I've thrown a few
things, I've considered running for office...and I'm only finished with Season
2. Only four more Seasons, 53 hours to go and a presidential race to begin
planning.
On a completely unrelated note, school starts in two and a half weeks.
My brain turns to mush when I'm sick. I can't read, I can't think, I can't
focus. I can barely talk. I've said a very limited number of words this week.
You can see, though, I haven't lost my wit....
...
I've considered cutting myself off from TWW (that's what us true fans call
it) and setting my couch on fire (all in the name of health and sanity) so that
I can once again return to real life. Because one must do that eventually.
I'm hoping tomorrow. Tomorrow shall be the day I return to normal life. Who
cares if I can't eat? Who cares if I don't have any energy? Who cares if I have
to stay within 15 feet of a bathroom at all times?
Not me.
Not.Me.
Curse you stomach flu and all things Gatorade and toilet paper and chicken
broth!!!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Playing Catch Up
I have been putting off writing because I have so many things I could write about that it seems overwhelming. The problem is that the 'putting off' only perpetuates the 'putting off' some more. In order to alleviate the pressure of trying to play catch up, I'm just going to write about the main events and pretend the rest didn't happen.
Since the last time I posted...
I starred (I wasn't THE star, or even a 'bright light' really) in a community play called "Into the Woods". I was Cinderella's evil stepmother. Yes, there have been many jokes about how 'fitting' that was. Hardy-har-har. After 6 months of practice 2-3 nights a week, it was a great feeling to complete all 4 shows. We had a cast of about 70 people (almost half of those being under the age of 15), a large plastic cow named "Milky", 2 acts, 16 scenes, a bunch of well places crowd interaction and videos, a live band (I got to sing!), crew from countries all over the world and some great memories to look back on. It was a blast. And one of the most exhausting things I've ever been involved in.
I went to Sichuan Province (western China) with about 25 9th graders. It was a 5 day trip filled with beautiful scenery, altitude sickness (students), the stomach flu (me), long bus rides, and yaks.
School finished at the beginning of June. We had a Goodbye Dinner for the departing staff. A fancy-ish affair.
Spent a weekend in Beijing for a last hurrah with some friends. We mostly ate Western food, played cards, talked, and shopped. Oh, and watched 'Hunger Games'! Not too many adventures but a good way to say goodbye. Gone for the summer, gone for good.
I went to Thailand with my friend and her parents. I had a lovely
time...rest, good food, fun animals, adventure, new friendships, sun,
beautiful creation, time by the pool, kind nationals. It reminded me of
how much I miss Florida too.
Since Thailand, I have been taking 2 hours of Chinese
lessons every day, reading, resting, pursuing friendships (old and
new), exploring the mountains and sea near my house, watching movies and doing
some school work.
Now you are caught up on my life.
You may be wondering what I’m doing next year. Here’s the
scoop…
I plan to stay in my job for another year. I’ll still be
teaching Model United Nations but I won’t be teaching World History any more
(yes!). I’m teaching College Prep instead. Not even sure what that’s about but
I’m sure I’ll figure it out over the next 4 weeks.
That’s it. You know about all the major events that have occurred
over the last 3 months.
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